Waxworks of Horror

haunted house

Voice Vilcomm to ze Vaxvorks of Horror (evil laugh), ze ultimate nightmare experience. Let uz take you on a journey through ze ages of evil and torture. Enter at your peril. (Sound of a creaking door opening).
  The doors at the back of the auditorium open and Raving Sadie rushes into the hall, screaming and cackling. She makes her way through the audience to the stage, speaking to them as she goes.
Sadie I be Raving Sadie, I be. So you lot want to be scared, do 'ee? Ooooh, quite a turnout. Well, you've come to the right place, you certainly 'ave. (As she reaches the front row of tables) 'Ow do you do (she offers a hand to an audience member to shake. It is a false hand which comes off. She cackles maniacally and snatches it back). Those things always come in 'andy. (She waves it at the audience and mounts the stage, taking her place behind the counter). Come this way for a nightmare you'll never forget. (In a bored, neutral voice) All major credit cards accepted. (She sits.)
  Lights switch to normal onstage as Bloody Melvin enters stage left with a mug of coffee in his hand and smoking a cigarette. Melvin is dressed as the stereotype vampire of yesteryear - think of Grandpa in the Munsters.
Melvin Bloody nora! Are we open already?
Sadie Morning Melvin. We certainly are. Are you feeling okay?
Melvin Why do you ask?
Sadie Well, either you've been overdoing it on the white make-up or you're not been getting enough red meat in your diet.
Melvin Bugger off. I'll have you know I'm a vegetarian.
Sadie You're what?
Melvin I don't eat meat. It's not right.
Sadie But you're supposed to be a vampire - a blood-sucking, evil, murderous creature of the night.
Melvin Look who's talking. You're supposed to be Raving Sadie. How many raves have you been to lately then?
Sadie You really don't get it, do you?
  Jack Brightman enters stage left with a clipboard. He is dressed in a sharp suit.
Jack Morning people, how are my children of the underworld doing today?

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